Hi there. Hope you have had a good month so far. Today I have something special for you. something that is rarely talked about. Something that we are afraid to talk about. But I hope that by the end of this post someone out there will have the courage and share out their story. Not necessarily to the world, but at least with someone. This is a collaboration I did with my good friend Zynzii who has penned down the words for this piece. Many of you may not know that May has been set out to create awareness for Mental illness. Through the course of this month, through this collaboration, we hope we will create an impact in at least one person out there. With that said, lets dive straight into it. Enjoy. Do leave a comment below on your feedback and if you have anything to share, I have this forum open.
Hanging on to that edge, trying to figure out if today was the day I actually ended everything. Or was it going to be like all those other days when I got to the edge and the voices told me to step back. A constant battle between who would care if I was gone and maybe if they actually do love me.
There are good days. You know the kind where I wake up and I’m happy. Where I can smile genuinely. Where i can make everyone around me feel like everything is going to be okay. That today we could make the world a better place.
They said it was okay. You Know to be yourself. But I remember how stupid I felt when I was trying to explain why I got sad sometimes. Why I switched my phone off and stay away for days. Why I don’t share because you don’t understand. I got angry a lot at you. For saying you’d be there but never staying. But I always remembered I was the problem. So I put on this face, hoping it will scare you away so you wouldn’t have to say you care about me.
I wanted to leave. Pack my things and go. Somewhere different, somewhere new. A place where they wouldn’t know my name. Where I could be whoever I wanted to be. Where I could say, I was sick and they wouldn’t know that I woke up that day and forgot how to breathe. Where the voices in my head would maybe take a break.
You asked me why I get sad a lot. Why I keep my problems to myself. Maybe it’s because everyone left the moment I became too much. I always become too much, I always ruin the simple stuff. You wanted smooth sailing but I was always a hurricane. But today i smiled and said I am much better. It never mattered if I was okay or not I was fighting my demons alone. I was just surprised I was still alive.
I remember how it felt to let go. To look up to the sky and not think why I’m alive. And that moment is what i always held on to. That moment is what kept me holding on. That moment is what gave me strength to fight.
I tried so hard to mold myself in your image because I wanted you to love me so much. I wanted to be normal you know for you. But it was a sunny day and I was holding an umbrella. Because in my world, the clouds were grey and it was just about to rain, That moment right there is when i realized, I would never be normal.
I doubted I would make it out of this trance my mind created. But today I made it to the end of the day. And that counted for something right? That made me a survivor in my own right. But why do I feel that i should have gone out of my way to not survive, To stop existing. I’m not saying I’m suicidal. Just saying if a car came speeding towards me, I wouldn’t really move out of the way. But by some miracle it was the end of the day and i was still breathing.
I would like to thank Tendwa and Joan for making this shoot possible. A second part to this will be coming up soon. Till then, keep the peace.